Too Early, Too Late
The air in the bathroom was still. It draped
itself over her shoulders like a chilly cloak. The morning was quiet, the only
sound her steady stream urine splashing confidently into the toilet. The wand was
sticky and warm in her hand when she finished and set it on the counter. She
rinsed her hands while she waited, wishing this was just another day, that she
could hop into the shower and be done with the cold and the quiet. It would
take three minutes to get a reading—minutes that stretched and compressed
around her like elastic. She was all at once eager and reluctant.
It
was her third test for the year and she couldn’t help wondering how long she
would be able to get away with her life intact. It seemed like cheating. It
made her giddy sometimes, in the quick moments when she admitted how much she
looked forward to seeing him, how perfectly they fit together even drunk and
entangled, how nice it was to not have to wonder how if a night out would have
a lonely end.
She
was lonely now. She longed for the easy, heady warmth of the shower, the
routine of soaping up and rinsing off, emerging clean and relaxed and ready for
a day. Her life was easy now. It had only been months since the constant
uncertainty of exams and competitions and endless comparison had all been
wrapped up in a faux-satin cap and gown. Suddenly life was reliable and
singular, even boring at times. Her income was steady, her social life
succinct, her closet always full, clean, and ever growing.
A
little red cross appeared. What an odd shape—a symbol of help and medicine and
assistance. Of emergency. That fit.
Her
phone buzzed on the counter, a grating purr. It could have been anyone—her
boss, her sister, a calendar reminder. She would have to decide what to do
next. She should tell him, he should get a chance to decide, too.
She
turned on her showerhead and stepped into the warm stream. The water felt the
same, but it wasn’t. Her body felt like hers, but it wasn’t any longer. She
longed to be lonely, to be uncertain again, to be back and school and deprived
of routine and reliability and companionship. It was too early.
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